Tag Archives: feel

Saudade

14 Sep

 

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‘How come they have alphabets in mathematics?’ – I uttered.

I sneaked through the tall window repeatedly to confirm my soon to be planned allegation.

Laughing – naive to the concept of Algebra. Ironically, I was on ice that I was right and I could have launched a campaign on ORKUT about how absurd the teacher of class VI D was.

Walked back to my classroom to be seated on that wooden chair where desks had our scribbled FLAME game, the famous crushes with a icky heart emoji in the middle, the value of Pi that was too volatile to remember and never the less, the ‘Da Vinci’ sketches of each other and our teachers. The joy of calling ‘ASALAMUALIKUM AUNTY’ in chorus and the merriment of achieving a star on the title page of chapters. That life was nonpareil.

That phase ended.

I delightfully welcomed the teenage hood. A chapter where you eventually learn the meaning of the word privacy. The urge and turmoil suppressed the innocence or allow me to call it, ignorance of childhood and I discovered my self in detail.

That phase ended too.

And here I am today. At the brim of mature-hood, yet an ephemeral period. Remote to what I should be doing. Every single moment of reclusiveness makes me experience nostalgia of school and college days. Of people who’re no more, of opportunities which use to shine, the immortal ‘ifs’ and the withering present. I am miles away from satisfaction. Prisma, snap chat, Instagram, Facebook, twitter, whats-app – yet forsaken.

Sad no? it is. Interludes romances past more than future. It is how desperate I am to shrink and be 12 again. Arcing under expectations, wasted by grades and levels, hunting for people to talk without acting – the voids are expanding. Absences penetrate through me, like thread through a needle, everything I feel is stitched with its color. I am still not able to express what I need. There is a fire within us, no body pauses to swelter themselves at it. They pass by only seeing a wisp of smoke.

Give us time, give us a pleasing present. As much as I miss school and college, my childhood and teenage life – this phase should be no different. This age, is only a number. Painfully visible and entirely ignored. Give us space, permission to make mistakes and apologize, a lacuna to be better some other time. Don’t ask us to be best TODAY.

The most incommunicable piece I’ve ever written, comes to an end.

 

 

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A Note To Myself.

12 Aug

Dear Me,

DEAR E

I know you’re fetching all the elfin thoughts in your mind, putting your neurons at work. Unpaid jobs are seldom sane. I can feel that right now (Bleak laugh). My brain demands steep wages once in a while. This time, the rumination is a little different.

I know that the past few months have been frenzied. The details are edgy and skittish and there is less of philosophy that can spill it out into words. Don’t induce anything, don’t compel yourself to look for ways to lessen the load. Just let it be. Your horoscopes are silent. This stage can be fugitive or eternal.

You’ve had friends darkening your moonlight. It’s okay. That’s one color of life. You’ve had expectations undergoing apoptosis. That’s okay too. They have that engraved in perfect literature. Don’t expect and be happy. You’ve had days when you were beyond your swing of pessimism and was sure that the light was on it’s way, for real. I can’t count times when I’ve seen this much consistency in your will. Thumbs up for that.

Eventually, Overthinking slayed it all. I now believe that it’s not a choice that you’ve made. It’s how you’ve been wired. This waveform that you ride by is crazy. At the Peak, you’re determined to put things into right place, and then you fall to the crest where picking up bits seems impossible. Don’t wait for this to end. The eclipse will be followed by a deathly sunset and you’ll be too inhuman to feel what it’s like to stand still and static. Nature has its fixed rules you know.

You should be glad that you gave yourself an unusual siesta, try and stretch its span in future. The fact that this is your last academic year as a typical student in an institute is provoking you to experience all the bliss that you should’ve sensed in the past 17 years. It’s too much for one year, but an overload of happiness should never return rejected. Go for it, embrace it. The odds will remain. The hitches will be painful, but this time of life will never come back!

Let this light come to you. Don’t wait for all the negativity to fly away. Monsters will visit you any how. If you’re waiting until you feel talented enough to make it, you’ll never make it.

 

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Ramadan Trial Day 1

1 Jul

 

 

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The most awaited month of the lunar calender arrived with all it’s traditionalism.
The advertisements on Television turned all Islamic, Ramadan transmissions aired on TV, special grocery shopping with dates, half days from universities and offices plus the Eid shopping are all clichéd yet the most triggering part of the routine. Yes it’s time to get close to Allah, to open up our wrapped Quran, put on veils, show that we’re Muslims and reach out to the poor people of the society.

What I feel is the fact that our progressing millat has transformed the feel of Ramadan into an electronic puppet, whereby we prefer sending in messages of Ramadan kareem over meeting people in person and wish them a blessed month. Do we even realize that when someone asks you to keep them in your prayers, it’s your duty to do so? How many of us remember the received text messages with that particular sentence? and How many of us fulfil the responsibility?

So on day one and two of Ramadan, I’ve learned that the essence of this holy month shall be stirred under our roof, amid our routine, amongst our relationships, with our family and poor people of society.
One to One communication and exchange of gestures can never match a call or a mere text message

Bookish thought.

19 Dec

Many a times, when we are devoid of words to fall in place, our eyes do the job. But if at the same time, our eyes weep and sob, then we are left with our hands. We hold, hug, wipe, slap, battledore or simply connect the two duplicates to express what we feel. Effortlessly, the correct proportion of emotions is expressed, and we rejoice in the display of a mosaic of our thoughts. Accomplished, is the word. Through the drifts of the sun and the moon, we ingrain a new feel and a new combination of words,our eyes and hands utter the unusual happenings in the unknown segment of our heart. 

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Breathe.

10 Aug

Breathe.

Beyond every desire, the one to heal you makes me sink in the static waters of fields, to which I waved my adamant good bye, once I confronted that I shall incinerate to mend you… beholding you breathe, discerns the broiled me from the brisk me…
I am in you, every time you breathe… flickering, lethal, but I am there, majestically melting, every time you smile… knowing it’s me, who fortunately sweltered himself to let the world feel you!

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