Tag Archives: love

A Note To Myself.

12 Aug

Dear Me,

DEAR E

I know you’re fetching all the elfin thoughts in your mind, putting your neurons at work. Unpaid jobs are seldom sane. I can feel that right now (Bleak laugh). My brain demands steep wages once in a while. This time, the rumination is a little different.

I know that the past few months have been frenzied. The details are edgy and skittish and there is less of philosophy that can spill it out into words. Don’t induce anything, don’t compel yourself to look for ways to lessen the load. Just let it be. Your horoscopes are silent. This stage can be fugitive or eternal.

You’ve had friends darkening your moonlight. It’s okay. That’s one color of life. You’ve had expectations undergoing apoptosis. That’s okay too. They have that engraved in perfect literature. Don’t expect and be happy. You’ve had days when you were beyond your swing of pessimism and was sure that the light was on it’s way, for real. I can’t count times when I’ve seen this much consistency in your will. Thumbs up for that.

Eventually, Overthinking slayed it all. I now believe that it’s not a choice that you’ve made. It’s how you’ve been wired. This waveform that you ride by is crazy. At the Peak, you’re determined to put things into right place, and then you fall to the crest where picking up bits seems impossible. Don’t wait for this to end. The eclipse will be followed by a deathly sunset and you’ll be too inhuman to feel what it’s like to stand still and static. Nature has its fixed rules you know.

You should be glad that you gave yourself an unusual siesta, try and stretch its span in future. The fact that this is your last academic year as a typical student in an institute is provoking you to experience all the bliss that you should’ve sensed in the past 17 years. It’s too much for one year, but an overload of happiness should never return rejected. Go for it, embrace it. The odds will remain. The hitches will be painful, but this time of life will never come back!

Let this light come to you. Don’t wait for all the negativity to fly away. Monsters will visit you any how. If you’re waiting until you feel talented enough to make it, you’ll never make it.

 

Separation.

17 Sep

16th September 2014. My Salma phopho died.

As monotonous and lucid as it may sound, It’s a wound that would never heal. I would never cure and rise. I would never be the same woman I use to be before hearing this news. I lost my mother. I lost a women who use to stand by my door staring at me when I used to fell sick. I lost a women who cooked me whatever I craved for, even at midnight. I lost a women who use to store newspaper cuttings of sayings of Hazrat Ali (AS) and showed me every time I visited, I lost a women who always use to bring me close to Allah, I lost a women who brought me up, helped me survive through my injuries, bragged about how mature and extra-ordinary I was, She was someone I use to specially call and asked to pray because I knew Allah listened to her, She was someone who was there for everyone, except her self. I lost my world. I lost everything.

Death separated me from her physical scent. But I can sense her around me. Her presence, her smiling face, her crying face, I can hear her voice, she is here, with me, But I can’t feel her, I can’t tell her that I loved her. I loved her very much. I am ready to die instead, just to bring her back. But rules, Allah’s rules. Nature’s rules.

It’s the hugest separation that I ever endured. The last time when I saw her before she was buried, she was smiling. And that’s the only strengthening stance that I am glad about. She experienced a peaceful death. She is in a better and a beautiful place. I don’t know what I am going to do without her, this vacuum will last forever.

I miss you phopho. I miss you very much. May Allah grant you a place in Jannah. That’s what you deserve.

Options.

21 Sep

Life is such a bleak canvas at times, when the duskiness crawls so high at angles, that the luminosity behind it shrinks. Or, We grow in peace that it is all a fantasy.

” I feel the declining love, our amity. When our passion was at it’s zenith, there was a vow. We won’t care who the world caresses. We’ll own each other. I feel a void now. emptiness. Tell me it’s a lie, just a murky stifling”

vows are meant to be broken, love is never eternal, respect merely means perfection which itself is a tall story. Our values are feeble, We embrace broken bits, enticing us to merely nothing. This realization marks the darkening of the walls around you. Thick scented walls, which snatches the feeling of empowerment from you. It is then, when you start looking for Options.

Options…….. in chunks.

 Image

Image

Breathe.

10 Aug

Breathe.

Beyond every desire, the one to heal you makes me sink in the static waters of fields, to which I waved my adamant good bye, once I confronted that I shall incinerate to mend you… beholding you breathe, discerns the broiled me from the brisk me…
I am in you, every time you breathe… flickering, lethal, but I am there, majestically melting, every time you smile… knowing it’s me, who fortunately sweltered himself to let the world feel you!

Engraving.

7 May

There are two basic motivating forces; fear and love. When we are afraid we pull back from life, when we are in love, we open ourselves to all what life has to offer with passion, excitement and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution  and all hopes for a better world rest in fearlessness and open hearted vision of people – who embrace life! – John Lennon

Falling in love with your own selves is not about being self-centered. It is about loving what God has created, so you can trigger tenderness and engrave life on stones, which have been hardened by people, who have failed to ardor themselves. 

Have you ever tried a cup of coffee? a diluted mug, which is sweetened less. The sugar is right within the range of your eyes, but your hands ache, clumsiness overpowers your impassioned desire for a nice strong coffee mug, and you remain glued to your chair lously, and sip off your coffee. You could have devoured it, but you settled upon mere tasteless sips. While tossing the settled coffee, you found some sugar at the base, and realized, Man! I could have had good time, even if I hadn’t stood up for sugar, I could have stirred my own cup, a little sweetness would have been amazing.

And this is how, our routine stories curl up and terminate. For the sake of your own happiness, it is wise to jerk the bulky muscles, and love your own selves. If you would have devoured that mug of coffee, it’s possible you would have offered your mom one. Right?

So engrave it on your heart! Love yourselves, and spread the scent. 

Believe me, it is fascinating.Image

The year 2012….

31 Dec

Former is beautiful, but the charm doesn’t cast its’ spell in an abandoned moment. It has to flicker, sink and triggered if the delicacy has to be extracted.

I saw the final sunrise of 2012. Knowing I turned 19, I have two dear ones battling with deadly diseases, knowing that freshness has crumpled and might has reduced, believing that a chapter has faded so I could begin a new story,alive and sensitive to all the happenings of the gone-by year, I welcome 2013!

just a glimpse of 2012

just a glimpse of 2012

Amid the routines, the thoughts of re-joining university tomorrow and the attire which has to be worn at a spiritual gathering today, I find it necessary to take out some time to just reflect back to what tweaks and whirls this going bye year has blessed me with… It has been a short journey, ironic and meaningful.

I ended college, with tears, prayers and gripes of hopes that I will always have strings of my heart attached to it. It was painful, blue and bitter to let go of people and a place where you were awarded with respect and unconditional affection. It was not merely a campus where I studied to grab a good percentage, it was a place where I learned and practiced the key of life; Balance.

I attended CBMUN 2012, I was sent as a delegate of Germany to UNSC and was fortunate enough to get the best delegate award, by a man whose intellect has inspired me to a high extent. It’s hard to imagine the unfettered ecstasy to be honored by a figure, so valuable to you. The confidence, the unknown presence of the hidden something (something I still don’t know off) and the company it bought to me will always remain irreplaceable.

Marking the end of my college examinations, were the travelling opportunities. I love travelling, seeing and experiencing the aroma and sway of diverse scents of air, every single emotion that crosses the road touches me. The anxiety, the sleepless nights, the uncomfortable beds, the clothing dilemma, every single thing…. But I came across a non-neglect-able reality that a true companion can make the worst journeys’ the best.

Following it were the bits and pieces that oriented bags of experience and pleasures towards me. The farewell, the job, reunions, and what not, but the hue was dis balanced when I came across the news of the brutal health issues confronted by my loved ones. It was shattering, indeed.. but we pulled through it somehow, by the grace of Almighty.

Next came the stress and tension of medical university examinations,   probably the worst days of 2012, but I got into KMDC. My desired destination, Now I am doing Bachelors in dental surgery (:

“That is it” – I whisper to myself.

“That isn’t!” – declared the inner voice… ” you forgot to apologize and thank, left behind the two golden rules already?”

“I haven’t…  Thank you, thank you ALLAH, for being my internal strength, for being      the guiding one, the kind one…

and thank you to Mama, Papa and Mayu for chasing me, standing tightly right by me, thank you Marit Otholt (Maggie) my best friend for holding on to me, for being important and unforgettable. Thank you Ms. Anne and Ms, Ambreen, for being close-to-heart teachers. Thank you Firasat Baji for listening to me, Thank you to Zahara for reading and loving my blogs, for praying, for the incredible person she is and finally Thank you to my college and School buddies, Rukhsar, Salima, Sundas, Sara, etc…. you all mean a lot to me!

And A huge sorry for not being the best of anything, I am sorry, deeply for the wounds that deepened or were caused by me. I am sorry if I ever broke a long, looked-after-ed dream, I am sorry if I made anyone cry! I ask for forgiveness……

Good Bye 2012 (:

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